Nobody is given a larger cross than he can bear

I just remembered a story my mom once told me.

A man prayed to God, because he couldn't cope with his burden anymore; the cross was too heavy to carry. Please God, please lift this cross from me and give me a smaller one.
And God answered... come, my son. I will let you choose your own cross.
They walked together through an alley, and there were big, dark crosses on the side of the road. Finally they came across one that was considerably smaller.
I will pick this, God! the man heaved a sigh of relief; this one i can carry.
Take this and go in peace, my son. This cross was yours all along...

Maybe it's true.

*no picture this time :)

Just a random thought

We don’t talk
The way we used to
Time will pass
and sing the blues

An eye for an eye
A tooth for a tooth

While you’re busy
Judging me
I have no time
To miss you

A pity
Huh

Twinkle twinkle

One of my best friends wrote this poem a while ago, and i liked it so much that i need to share it with you.

***
twinkle twinkle
little pain
I see you’ve come
to play again

lodged here in my soul so tight
turning brightness into night
twinkle twinkle
tearing ache
please let me sleep
to never wake

now I lay me down to sleep
my life in tatters at my feet
if I should wake before I die
I pray these tattered wings can fly

twinkle twinkle
empathic strain
I never want to feel again
trapped here in this world so cold

twinkle twinkle
falling tear
how i wonder why i'm here

My favourite Shakespearean sonnet

Lately i have noticed people who like me for what they think i am, not for who i really am. Which is ok in the beginning. But most never bother to find out more, and instead choose to live in their own imaginary world. Ignorance is bliss? :)

The sonnet has been my fav for years, and i think the Estonian translation is even better than the original (blasphemy, i know!). Hope you'll enjoy.

CXXX

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.

I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:

And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

Mu kallil puudub päikse pilk ja jume,
ta suul ei näe koralli verevust.
Kui lumi valge on, tal rind on tume;
kui juus on traat, siis peas tal traat on must.

Tean roose kirjuid, valgeid, verevaid -
ei õheta mu armsaim roosipõsi.
Et lõhnu olen haistnud hõrgemaid
kui tema hingeõhk, ka see on tõsi.

Mul tema kõnet kuulata on hea,
ehk muusika on kaunim küll, ei salga.
Kuis jumalannad sammuvad, ei tea;
Mu kallim käies maha toetab jalga.

Ja siiski teda kallimaks pean muist,
noist võrdlustega võltsilt kiidetuist.

When two women talk they say nothing;

...when one woman speaks she reveals all of life. (K. Gibran)
Ok sweethearts, I am really really really sorry for being away for that long. I took the time off and it did me good. And I promise to make it up, maybe you'll get to read a lot more lately... and something more interesting ;)

Well, at least I hope so. Now, let me catch up on your blogs :)

Hugs to each and every one of you!

My liverleaf day arriving

Hey all :) it's April, right? I've decided to cut down on being miserable. Plus, looking at the time, in New Zealand and Australia it's my birthday already. Big party coming this friday, so everybody, prepare. I'm expecting at least a moral support, even if you can't hop on a plane and fly over :)

A while ago i had a discussion with my friend Peter about proverbs. I was looking for an English equivalent for Estonian proverb 'Igaüks on oma õnne sepp'. He said it should go 'We are the architects of our own fortune'.
Of course the literal translation from Estonian (the no-nonsense peasant language) would be 'One is the smith of one's own happiness'.

Now i'm really interested how the same saying goes in other languages. Greek, Portuguese, Hindi, Dutch, French, German, Norwegian, you name it! all posts are most welcome. It doesn't have to say the same thing, just about give the same meaning. So as a birthday present :) i'd like you to write me the saying in original language and also the translation in English.

I will then print them all out, stick the paper to the wall and read like a mantra every morning. Now that should do the job, wouldn't you think?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :)

World superlative?

Today i'm not going to talk too much, just briefly about two things. Firstly, i went to the notorious KuMu yesterday and liked it a lot. Not very many people were there (surprise-surprise!) and it was all quite enjoyable. I hadn't seen most of the pieces before (only from books) because they used to store them, there was no place to display.

But of course there was one typical little example of KuMu culture, hehe. It happened 15 minutes before closing time, 17:45. They announced that it was time to leave... no, i can't say 'announced'. It sounded like thunder coming from the speakers. Everybody around me jumped a bit and i think i screamed a little. Nerves...

It did work wonders though, everybody left in a hurry. Me too, because i really believe after this nice little "warning" the next thing you see will be two big security guards that drag you down the stairs and throw you out of the door. So you'd better obey.

Ok, the other thing - i was reading the official Visit Estonia homepage and found a description that sounded so familiar and funny:

"Estonia - a world superlative!

Discover Estonia and you will see it is phenomenal. Like Alice in her Wonderland (rings any bells?), you will find there is even more to see in Estonia than you have dreamed about. The dream world becomes real and the reality is unbelievable."

Mmmmmm. Well, what can i say. Yeah, the reality is sometimes quite unbelievable but i'm not sure if it's a good thing. So long.

"If nothing else works... (Vol 1)

...a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through" (Monty Python)

Hello everybody. Sorry again for being away for so long, i've been busy with real life. Anyway, I'm feeling very snappy today. In fact, professionally furious (and for once i'm going to talk about something interesting instead of going on and on about my private life. Consider yourselves lucky!).

About 6 weeks ago a very important building was opened in Tallinn. KuMu - abbreviation derives from the words Kunst (art) + Muuseum (museum, obviously). So, this is our new art museum and exhibition centre. It's supposed to be the biggest in the whole Scandinavia and Baltics region. The building itself cost 50 million USD. Now one would assume that something like that could be a real tourist attraction, n'est pas? But no. Did you bother to click on the link already? Don't. It will "Open soon". Actually they just didn't think about registering the domain in time and now it belongs to someone else who is probably looking to make money on this. And i can't really blame them, at least they were wise enough to take action.

Ok, maybe everything is not lost yet. Maybe some poor tourist is smart enough to look for information in the Art Museum of Estonia web page. Let's try... Yay! A lot of information in Estonian. Not let's see what we can find under the link 'English' in the index page...

I suppose you already guessed that, huh? Obviously the English version is 'under construction'. Nice going, really. I mean, it would probably take a whole hour to put up some basic information about the opening hours and ticket prices in English. And who could spare that precious time on something so insignificant.

I was actually extremely surprised when the director of KuMu happily announced in the opening day that some tourists from Korea and Finland were among the first visitors of the building. I have no idea how they got there. I wonder if they know it themselves. Maybe they just got lost in the city :p

"If nothing else works... (Vol 2)

Ok, anyway, they opened this building. And then someone probably came to a brilliant idea that in order to use the museum properly, it should have some visitors. So they organized an ad campaign. An outdoor campaign, to be more exact. You know, i can just picture the key people (the director of KuMu of course, and some snob from the ad agency) sitting around the table and discussing what needs to be done in order to bring "common people" to the museum. "Hmmm," says one. "We should use slang and bright colors. It's an ok thing to do when you're targeting this group." "Good idea," says the other. "But let's spend as little on the campaign as possible. We built the house for 50 million USD, so the campaign can look cheap, doesn't matter."

Here you can see some examples of this immortal campaign (i took the photos on my way to work one day). The posters use images of well-known pieces of art from the 19th and mid-20th century. Which is not such a bad idea, at least everybody should know them. The problem is the message. See the orange splashes in picture on the left? The first says: "Doh... me? Doh... KuMu?". The other invites people to see her new home, using a really archaic language that people last used in the 19th century. There was another poster in the series, a girl with a dog and the orange splash saying "Don't worry, Estonian art won't bite you!". Eeeeeeeeew!

Now take a look at the picture on the right, please. This is a big poster that stands in the middle of the old town. Near a somewhat famous sculpture of a goat (hey, stop laughing, over here all pieces of art are somewhat 'famous', at least they try to be. This isn't Rome, people :p). Anyway, the poster is pointing at The Goat and says: "KuMu is not cheap with art". Now try to imagine that the words GOAT (kits) and CHEAP (kitsi) sound similar in English, as they do in Estonian. Would it sound funny or witty to you? No? Well, neither does it in Estonian. I'm more like... well, ashamed to read it.

I can't understand why, WHY they couldn't see the obvious and launch some kind of normal campaign at the same time, using our independence day celebrations as a supporting cause. It's a national museum and what better occasion to point that out than the national day. They could have used direct mailing with invitations to celebrate that day in KuMu. Plus, you know, there isn't that much to do in Estonia in the winter anyway! They could have done a number of things instead of producing a patronising, horrible campaign. Could have, would have, should have! I'm professionally very irritated. And i'd like a word with the ad agency people. For totally wasting the taxpayers' money.

"If nothing else works... (Vol 3)

More faux pas's: Last week i wanted to attend an opening tour that they organize every Saturday. So i called the KuMu ticket office number to get some additional information. I was stopped in half a sentence by a grumpy-voiced receptionist who bluntly said: "Wait. I'll give you another number". Ok, i called this other number. I called 4-5 times that day. There was no answer. Then i gave up. I will go there one day, sure i will. When i start feeling less grumpy myself.

By the way. It's closed 2 days a week and the rest of the days it's opened only till 6 PM. Which makes it very hard for any working person to visit...

Oh, and listen to that: they organized a huge opening ceremony. Which is certainly a normal thing to do. Many VIPs were present, including the presidents of Estonia and Finland, all together about 2000 guests. My friend was there and she said it was the weirdest event she has ever seen. A lot of speeches and bla-bla, no chairs, nowhere to sit (and many of those VIPs were really old people who almost had to pass out during the whole process). But the best part was the catering. You know what they served? Unpeeled boiled potatoes - just cut into pieces - and sea buckthorn champagne. You heard me. See, the sea buckthorn is cultivated in Estonia. It's supposed to be really good for your health. And no, it's NOT possible to make champagne out of it. As my friend put it, it was some kind of soggy orange liquid that nobody dared to touch. And that was all the food there was.

I just don't know. Is that supposed avant-garde, or what exactly is it supposed to be? Is there a rule somewhere that everything about art has to be weird, pointless and not understandable to us common people?

Anyway, welcome to Estonia! This is our official slogan. It cost about 1 million USD to develop the slogan with the logo. See, we're pretty good in throwing away money (sometimes). And If you ever happen to come to our part of the world, definitely visit KuMu. But be sure to e-mail me first, or you'll never find it. See ya.

Feeling grateful

Hello everybody, and sorry for my long absence.

Today i just need to say that... i only just realised how lucky i am. I have a couple of really great, loving, best friends who are always willing to help with everything in their power.
There are many wonderful people, not only here but all around the world who are always unbelievably kind and thoughtful with me.
And - I have the bravest, most adorable daughter in the whole world.

Love you all so much :) And thanks!
(i'll be filling this blog again in no time)

Poetry reading kind-of-mood

Doris Kareva, my all-time favourite Estonian poet. Maybe i'll try to translate some of her creation some day.
Until then, something is available in English and French.

*
Üksinda
Kõik on liiga laokil Ja ei mahu
ära kuidagi see valu sinu sees
Mööda tube käid ja otsid rahu
Tõelist rahu leiad üksnes eneses

Kõik on liiga laokil Kogu maja
Pole jõudu otsast alata
Vist on veidi liiga palju vaja
Seks et iseennast salata

*
Into that awesome abyss
your word falls like stone
from the sensitive, succulent heart
of the fruit of life.

Circles fade on the surface.
And out of the depth of truth
a tree will rise - full of fruit
that tastes like a riddle - or love.

*
Et les cloches sonnaient ; un mois de juillet
divin touchait à sa fin. Ta bouche
bougeait, parcourait mon corps
comme un agneau égaré,
tantôt broutant l’herbe brûlée,
tantôt bêlant : reste avec moi !
puis s’arrêtant, pressentant un danger.

Je le crains, nous ne nous verrons plus.

Je le crois : nous ne nous croiserons plus.
Nuit sous les voûtes envoûtées.
Les ponts ont été incendiés.
Je le crois, je le crains : ces lèvres
tendres et vivantes comme des plaies
me toucheront encore dans la mémoire,
à jamais me poursuivront.

Et les cloches. Qui sonnent et sonnent.

In Memoriam Lennart Meri

Lennart Meri, President of the Republic of Estonia 1992-2001

He was universally welcome as a stirring speaker, conversation partner and decision-maker. He seemed to be "bigger" than his tiny country: in world politics dominated by great powers he had taken on the task to speak for the pivotal role of smaller nations in shaping the international environment. Lennart Meri's presidency made Estonia as it was upon the arrival of the 21st century, and moulded it into what it is now, AD 2006. He devoted even his post-presidency years to working for the benefit of the state. It was all part of his "Life lived for Estonia".

He passed away on Tuesday, March 14. They say that irreplaceable people do not exist, but i think he was one. There is a gap left that no one will ever be able to fill. LM was sort of the common sense and the conscience of the nation.
We will always remember you...

Sinilill, Leverbloempje, Liverleaf, Blåveis...

...Hepatica nobilis, Anémone hépatique, Leberblümchen, Blåsippa, Blå Anemone
I've put up a picture of my favourite flowers here, although it's still only a wishful thinking. They bloom in time of my birthday, the end of april. Memories of the childhood... as well as the main reason why i love my birthdays so much, in case you were wondering :)

Every year, the day before my birthday my dad would go and pick those little wild flowers in the forest. In the morning of my birthday my parents would sneak into my room bringing the presents. I always pretended to sleep, but actually it was so exciting that i had to hold my breath. They left quietly and i could open my eyes. Well, yes - the presents were the best part of a birthday back in those days. But i can't remember any gifts from that time. I do remember a big glass bowl full of the flowers, the scent of which filled the air in a matter of seconds. This memory is something that is there with me on my every birthday ever since.

We lived in the city and my dad had to take a train to go to the forest outside Tallinn. Makes it all the more special. When i grew older, i would join him. Sinilill is usually one of the first wildflowers to show up in the spring, so there was still snow under the trees. I had to wear rubber boots not to get soaking wet. But birds were already singing, the smell of spring was in the air. Sun was still low in the sky, but it was enough to warm up a big stone where we sat down and ate our cheese sandwiches when we needed a little break. And the trees were not green yet, so sun was shining really brightly through the buds in the branches. After 6 months of winter, actual sunshine can seem like a miracle.

By the way, if you know the name in some other language, you're welcome to post it. Because i want to know if it can sound better than 'sinilill' in any other language :)

'sinilill' means simply 'blue flower' in Estonian

I went on a course. Learning to love yourself. I came top*

I took Marion to see the pond last Saturday.

It was almost as magical as on the evening that i saw the whole thing for the first time. Marion was thrilled. We spent hours there, sliding on the ice, falling down occasionally, laughing like crazy. The waltz was playing again and i tried to teach Marion to dance, but i guess it might have looked more like a little and a big bear wrestling... Of course we had to feed the flock of lethargic-looking ducks - and i didn't even think about the bird flu threat.

Funny, a couple of tourists took photos of us having fun. I can imagine them back home, explaining to everyone how this was the natives' traditional winter activity, haha! Tourists, really...

When we got tired - or should i say, when i got tired - we climbed up to the Dome Hill and watched the sunset from the viewing platform. It was crispy cold, but rooftops were golden from the setting sun, air was pure and clear and the clouds were painted in rainbow colors... We saw some ships sailing out to the sea and the whole view was absolutely picturesque. The cosy little cafe in a medieval building where we stopped to drink a cup of hot chocolate before walking back home was every bit as fairytale-like. I felt very happy. Sometimes it takes so little :)

* you may hear my Coupling quotes a lot in the future. It's the most brilliant (ok ok, one of the most brilliant) British TV comedies ever made. Trust me on this, will you?

Picture was taken in January in Pärnu beach - the frozen bay